Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.
Thanks, love.
- 'Who is it?' - Paddy O'Shea.
- Paddy, is it? - Let me at 'em!
Follow me, son.
Just slip into these, will ya? The rest of your costume's hangin' up.
Ooh, I like it! A little bit of role play!
Rest of t'cast are in there. Get your gear on and I'll get t'camera.
Ten four!
HE CHUCKLES
'Ey, don't let me down, cock. Ooh, yeah!
Right, who's first?
Willy Wanker And The Chocolate Factory, take one.
How'd it go?
DOOR SLAMS
- Well, what happened? - I'd rather not talk about it.
And go easy over these speed bumps.
RADIO OFF
HISSING
PADDY: Ohhh! MAX: What's that?
PADDY: Jesus, summat's blown. Pull in 'ere.
I can't believe this!
ENGINE SPLUTTERS
Nothin'!
Gasket's gone. It's pissin' oil.
'Ey! As luck would have it...
Need a bit of 'elp, boys?
Do we!
Mick Bustin's the name!
Well?
There's shit in your carburettor.
Who's done that?
- Is the gasket pissin' oil? - Yep.
What did I tell ya?
She's been screwed.
Well, can you fix it?
We're busy. Leave it wi' me. I'll get stuck up her this afternoon.
What d'you wanna do now?
Technically, we're homeless.
Why don't we spend the day in the county, enjoy the clement weather?
I'd sooner spend it in a brothel.
No, you wouldn't. I'll get me shorts.
God, not the cream-coloured hot pants.
Beautiful, Patrick. Breathe it in. You can't buy this, son.
Middlewood?
Middle...wood?
We're in the middle of a wood.
No, we're in God's back garden.
'Ang on, let's weigh t'job up 'ere.
- 'Ang on, that can't be right. - What?
That were the last train.
What time's the next one?
Tomorrow, that's when the next one is. 0713 hours in the a.m. Eh?
What's goin' on?
Thatcher's Britain. There's only one thing for it - we'll have to ramble.
We'll have to walk.
Let's get ready to ramble, let's get ready to walk!
- Come on! - You're lovin' this, aren't you?
Oh, aye.
MAX: I'm shattered! It knocks you out, this county air, doesn't it?
Two hours we've been at it.
Go on, it's your turn.
Right. Er...
HE SINGS A-TEAM THEME TUNE Derder-derder
Derderder
Derder-derder
HE JOINS IN
Derder-derder,,,derderder-der
- The A-Team! - Yeah.
I tell you my favourite in The A-Team... "Hhhhhhhhhhhowling Mad" Murdock.
I laughed at him! He were crackers!
- Y'can't beat BA, though, eh? - You reckon?
Oh, aye. I ain't gettin' on no plane, fool!
Yeah. 'Ere y'are, drink this milk, BA.
How'd I get here?
Yeah! Every week! Every week! Yeah!
I tell you another of my favourites. Miami Vice.
Miami Vice!
Crockett and Tubbs, eh? I modelled meself on them chancers.
I'll tell you a couple of blokes that'd put them in the shade -
Magnet and Steel.
Who?
Magnet and Steel.
Magnet And Steel! When were that on?
They've never been on. Y'know why? I've created 'em.
Y'what?
I've made 'em up. They're a couple of cops who operate outside the law.
- When there's trouble, they come together... - Don't tell me, like magnet and steel.
Exactly. Yeah. I thought it up a while back now.
Erm...
take a look at these.
Six years' work here, Patrick.
Here are some drawings I've done of 'em.
There's Magnet and Steel's helicopter - it's got rockets and lasers on.
Get 'im, Magnet! Bang! I'm evil.
He's chasin' him with a tank, look.
And who's drawn these? You?
Yeah. That's Frank Magnet, Tony Steel.
Is he Chinese?
No. I only had a yellow felt-tip. There's their weapons.
Sword... One's got a knife... A super-gun...
One of 'em's got X-ray glasses. He makes them in a secret laboratory.
Fantastic...
Yeah. Magnet and Steel, Paddy. You saw it here first, my friend.
Shhh! Magnet and Steel - the next big thing!
Let's face it - we're lost.
How can we be lost if we don't know where we are?
There's no county pubs up here. I'm goin' back.
Y'can't go back! It's too far, and it'll be dark soon.
Well, what d'you suggest we do?
Let's get down 'ere for t'night.
Sorry, for a second there I thought you were suggestin' we sleep here.
- Never been in the Army, have you? - Neither have you.
No? I used to cry meself to sleep in the Yemen dreamin' of digs like this.
Go and get some bracken and we'll get a fire going. Come on.
You are on your arse.
OWL HOOTS
BLOWING
That's it. Come on!
Bloody 'ell, where've you been?
I got lost. It's like the Blair Witch out there.
Any joy?
No, Me hands are red-raw. I can't see a bastard thing 'ere.
Ooh, 'ang on.
Come on.
Any better?
I'll go and get some more twigs.
Uh-huh! See? Now that's a fire!
I told you you'd enjoy yourself.
Oh, yeah, gonna be good, this.
What's that you're burnin'?
I can't believe you burnt me drawings.
Sorry. I didn't know it was serious.
Well, you'd better sleep with one eye open tonight.
Argh! Bloody stingin' nettles.
I told you not t'put them shorts on.
I didn't know I'd be sleepin' out here! Eh? Smartarse!
All right, keep your shorts on!
HE SIGHS I'm 'ungry.
I said I'm 'ungry. Are you 'ungry?
I'm not speakin' to you.
God! I said I'm sorry!
If you could have somethin' to eat now, l bet I know what it'd be -
chicken Kiev...
chips...beans...and a fried egg.
Am I right?
And what about, bringing' it to you through those trees, naked women?
An' I mean NAKED.
There's your meal, sir, and here's your dessert. Ding-dang-do!
- What's the dessert? - Whatever you desire.
Can I have Angel Delight?
You can have whatever y'want! It's your fantasy.
I once kissed a girl who ate a chicken Kiev - she stunk.
I fired her off after that.
She could've been the girl of your dreams, Patrick.
No. Not with those teeth.
You've really no respect for women, have you?
No. D'you know why? Cos they only want you for one thing - everything.
You've never been in love, have you?
Real love, when you feel it here.
I've feIt it 'ere! Ooh-hoo I've feIt it 'ere, my friend'!
Not there, 'ere. In your stomach.
When love comes, it's... it's like a little butterfly...
sofft and gentle as a sigh.
Bollocks! When have you been in love?
It were a while ago now. Tina, she were called.
I'll never forget it. New Year's Eve.
CHEESY SYNTH VERSlON OF "No Limit"
'Potter had booked a mandroid.'
Techno, techno, techno, techno!
'The regulars weren't happy. They were expecting Nookie Bear.'
Techno, techno, techno, techno,
'I nearly threw her out for underage drinkin'!'
'Ey, y'shouldn't...
Oh! I'm sorry. I thought you were underage and shouldn't be in here.
PADDY: 'Underage? Why, how old was she, y'dirty dog?'
Techno, techno, techno, techno,,,
She were old enough.
It's just that she was, erm...
What?
- She was a kind of midget. - In't that a Queen song?
- No, y'clown! - D'you mean she were a dwarf?
Not a dwarf, a midget.
- Like there's a difference(!) - There is, actually, Mr Politically Incorrect!
Dwarves are in the circus and do cartwheels
whereas midgets are like normal human beings, but...shrunk down.
Oh! You live and learn.
Anyway, we just got talkin', chattin' about anythin' and everything'É
'I couldn't believe it - it turned out we both went to the same school!
'Only I were a few year above her.'
- And a few feet. - Careful.
Sorry. Cary on.
It were gettin' towards the midnight hour, the drink was flowin'...
ALL: Five, four, three...
two...one!
ALL GROAN
Oh, whoa, whoa! I said don't use helium, y'great big tit.
Get it off 'em. I do apologise.
Should old acquaintance..
EVERYONE JOINS IN
< Shit for brains! I said don't use helium! MAX: 'That was when we first kissed.'
- Any good? - Little butterfly.
- That her nickname? - Thin ice.
Sorry. Just a little fun.
It's the heart that matters, not the height.
Just 'ang on while I throw up.
You wanted me to tell you!
All right, sorry. Go on.
- We started courtin' after that. - 'Ow old?
'We saw each other every day, went everywhere together. It wasn't easy,
people starin' and laughin'.'
'There's only so many people you can thump.'
Cockles! Mussels!
Shrimp!
She's too small, I've told yer.
"Y'see, Tina, she'd had it all her life
'but it was a whole new world for me.'
Times like that you've gotta take your hat off to t'Krankies.
I'd had it up to here.
Don't you mean there?
That's it! What you don't understand is I've heard it all before
most of it from me so-called friends.
Who?
'I was on the door one night, having the crack with the lads, y'know.'
Dead.
Nicola Fowler's in.
Not still seeing her, are you? She's seen more pricks than a Dartford.
One hundred and eighty!
Exactly!
At least I'm not bangin' one of t'Borrowers.
Where's Tiny Tina, Thumbelina?
At home trying' to reach the door handle!
She bought a book - How To Make Yourself Taller. She stood on it!
She was in the Midget Olympics.
- Go on. - Compact discus thrower!
Yeah. She got the bronze in the short jump.
Jesus, Max, why didn't you stop 'em?
I wanted to, I really did, but...
y'know what it's like when t'lads are havin' a laugh.
Good job Tina didn't hear you.
She did. She was listening round the corner.
'She heard it all.'
She locked herself in the budgie cage when she were cleaning it!
Yeah - t'door slammed shut on her.
- Got myself a cryin' talkin' sleeping'.. - walkin'..
..living doll I'm gonna do the best to please her
Just cos she's a livin' 'doll! ALL LAUGH
'Ey, I bet she goes up on you!
Too far, Tony!
I'd had enough.
When I got back to me mam's, she'd been round with a letter.
Sayin' what?
HE SIGHS It was over.
She said she thought I was different, but I wasn't.
I went round for t'see her after that but she'd gone,
moved away. I've never seen her since.
I had it all and I blew it.
Word of advice, Patrick - don't make my mistake.
When y'find something or somebody that you love, don't let it go,
and don't let anybody get in the way.
Good night, son.
Bloody 'ell! I'm 'ungry now!
What d'you want - Twix, Fudge or Curly Wurly?
Where d'you get them from?
24-hour garage.
Where?
I don't believe it!
Is she ready?
She is! Wasn't easy. We've sweated like a couple of pregnant nuns.
What, changin' a gasket?
A gasket?! That was the tip of the iceberg, that, duck.
It was like opening Pandora's box, opening that bonnet.
'Ow much?
Five hundred.
Five hundred pound or pence? Let me have a look at her.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I ain't finished.
Oh, you've finished. Give us the keys!
I wish I could, me old duck but it ain't quite as simple as that.
Look, buddy... I'm tired...
I've not changed me underpants...
Gimme the keys, or I'll be doin' a bit of bustin', Mick Bustin.
And I'll do your dentist a favour and knock them bastards out.
Les! Dennis!
Like I said five hundred or she's goin' nowhere.
Oh, so that's the way you wanna play it, is it? Prison rules.
OK. Well, don't worry, we'll be back.
We'll be back!
We're open till six!
MUSIC: A-TEAM THEME
- It's locked! - Y'don't say(?)
Round the back!
C'mon!.
There's a window!
Great. Give us a peg up.
This is a job for Magnet and Steel.
Just come on!
One, two, three!
MAX: 'Ey!
BANTER AND LAUGHTER
A few pints tonight...
Who's left the workshop lights on? One of you two pillocks!
Oh, yes!
Try these!
Just get a move on! They're comin'!
Quick, get in, get in!
'Ang on a minute.
It's them two bastards!
JEERING
There's £500 gone there!
Get the key!
Oh, fuuuuuck!
BOTH: Yeah!
I love it when a plan comes together.
Oh, yes!
He's not even changed the gasket!
'Ere, love! We're over the road! Over the road! This is me wavin'!
Yeah, the motor home.
Y'what, love?
An hour?!
Bollocks!
An hour?! Y'can see us! We're 'ere!
I've broken down!
I know we're not members but play the game!
Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.